Ugh, today was just a crappy day. You ever wake up, and know it's going to be a bad day, well, that's how I felt when Sean started fussing fifteen friggin' minutes before my alarm clock went off. I drag my ass out of bed to start my day. It's rainy; the new jeans I want to wear are too small. I go downstairs to find a pair of jeans that fit, and they are dirty. Back upstairs and can't find the shirt I want to wear; downstairs- can't find it. Cussing a blue streak by this point, I tear apart the closet and there is the shirt, hidden by hangers full of clothes too small.
I pop a Klonipin. I have a feeling it's the only way I'll make it through the day. The students were actually OK. I have a student that I really like, probably a "pet." He's very intelligent, fantastic writer, but lazy and a total ass. He comes up from lunch early to tell me that he's withdrawing right now. I was flabbergasted, I had just gotten him turned around, convinced him not to drop out, had him enter a writing contest and win, increase his grade from a 45 to a 95, and he's leaving? He hugs me bye and promises to keep in touch ( I haven't gotten his award form the contest yet). No big deal, but I worked so hard on that kid, and what if the next school doesn't? What if he doesn't have an English teacher that rides his ass? I told him to use the move as a new start, and to keep writing. He just laughed and waved over his shoulder.
Normally, I would be all right, but this has already been a shitty day, and did I mention I'm pre-menstrual? I boo-hooed. I went to my friend Callie's room, but I couldn't even talk. But it was about everything that's been going on. I never see my husband and son, and when I do I end up resenting the amount of time they take up when I could be grading papers or reading books for class or writing lesson plans. I haven't cooked a meal for my family in months. I can't remember the last time I've cleaned the house or washed a load of clothes or unloaded the dishwasher. I can't fit in any cute clothes. I don't have the money to buy new clothes. I want to hula hoop all my frustrations away but I can't because it's raining. I want to go out and eat dinner and have a drink, but I can't because Sean no longer sits in restaurant and Curtis and I end up fighting and babysitting instead of eating.
I feel so stretched in so many directions. I feel like I am doing a million things, but none of them particularly good. I am listening to Everclear, which is my "depression" music I feel defeated. Sometimes I don't want to get out of bed. Sometimes I want to drive and not stop.
"I feel like I am holding it together/Sometimes I feel like everything is fine/Something I feel Like I'm out of control/I feel like I am falling......Sometimes I feel like I am really lucky I have made it through Bruised and scarred/And half alive/Sometimes I feel Like I'm out of control I feel like I am falling......
I feel like I am faking it/I feel like I am wrong/I feel like I'm a guest...like I just do not belong I feel like I am faking it/ I feel like I am wrong /I feel like I'm a guest...like I just do not belong"
Tomorrow will be better, right?
2 comments:
Oh Katie. I was on facebook and saw the link to your blog... and here I am. I just don't even know what to say. You are doing the best that you can - which is awesome. Your "best" is pretty damn good. I often find that when I've had a craptastic day - a day when I cry and cry because I feel like a total failure - I feel so much better after a good night's sleep. Hopefully you were able to get some decent sleep tonight, and you'll feel rejuvenated and refreshed in the morning :)
you are da bomb dot com...remember that, sister.
Post a Comment