I did not want to get out of bed this morning. I had been up all night hacking up my lungs. I was exhausted and puny. While lying in the cozy cocoon of my bed, I grabbed my cell phone and checked my email, the first thing I do every morning. And I finally got “it.” I hear some sentimental teachers talk about special letters and notes from students, but I haven’t received one. Until this morning. Here’s what my student wrote:
Dear Mrs. Frost,
I want to thanks you for allowing me to borrow your book. It truly means a
lot that you trusted me with your personal belonging.
I've heard great reviews about this book from a couple friends, and I was
so glad when I saw it in your classroom today.
This book made me think a lot about my life and how it's going on. I know
now that I may be ready for college, and all the responsibility that come
with it. And I know that I'm not the only one that actually loves their
friends, and not the only one that actually wants to cry when I see them
hurt.
Charlie also taught me that I should always be honest. With the last scene
when Sam and Charlie were in the bed, and they were having a serious
conversation. "You weren't being a friend at all, because you weren't
being honest with them." I've never had a problem with telling my friends
straight-up what they need to hear. But, I do sometimes have a problem
when it comes to them acting upon me, just like Mary did when they were
dating, and when Patrick kissed him.
Anyway, this book really touched me and made me think a lot. A lot more
then I usually do. It made me want to change from my 'depressed' self, so
a new and improved 'peaceful' self.
Oh, remember the girl I wrote about in my Class notebook?
Well, I pretty much told her to 'Screw Off". (Not word-for-word) After
Four long years of pain she's given me, and all the times she's just
stomped on my kindness. I couldn't take it anymore.. So yeah. She's done.
And, I do miss her still, but I feel a little lighter now. I'm with an old
friend now.. The girl you probably see me walking with
everyday pass your classroom.
Anyway, back on topic. I've never been the 'happiest' kid around. And,
I've been picked on and mistreated since 6th grade from being a heretic.
(I'm not an Atheist, sorry for lying. I just don't believe in your
Christian god. I believe in Life itself, and it's many wonders.) This book
finally let me know that someone is like me. I can't really relate to him
100%, but I can relate enough. We've had different experiences.
In conclusion, thank you so much for letting me borrow your book, and I'll
be sure to bring it back to you tomorrow morning.
And, thanks for letting me talk to you all the time.
(No, I don't think this will have any effect on me in class. Haha, that
isn't what I'm looking for, and I really hope you wouldn't treat me
different.)
Sincerely, D.
I was floored. I was so excited that a student found the real magic and power in a well-written book, and I felt so honored that he shared his feelings with me.
At the same time, I felt like I had let this boy down. “Thanks for letting me talk to you all the time,” he wrote. I wracked my brain and couldn’t recall one single conversation with him. “Good morning,” yes, every day. “How are you today?” I cried. I cried for his pain- a pain I can still relate to from high school. I cried because I became a teacher to touch students the same way my teachers did. To show kids that they are important and can do whatever they want- even if they dress funny or live in a trailor or have crooked teeth or bad skin. Instead I feel like those kids keep falling through the cracks in my classrooms. They are the intelligent, quiet kids who do their work and obey the rules. Unassuming, not squeaky wheels. But hurting and needed encouragement and love. I cried because I spend most of my days trying to make class fun and engaging for jerks who couldn’t care less, and the kids who are interested sit patiently, eager to learn, while to other goof off.
It is so hard to give that individualized instruction to every student when they all need and crave attention. I wish I could go into my class and say, “I am here to teach students who want to learn. So if you don’t want to, go to the principal and explain to her why you don’t care.” But I can’t do that. This is why I often feel like English (especially literature-based ELA) should be an elective. Maybe that way I could have classes full of thoughtful students like Dustin. I feel like I have failed him. Is he a better person for being in my class? Have I taught him anything? He taught me something very important. I am not doing my job to its fullest. I am failing. Yes, I know the content. Yes, I can write an engaging lesson plan. But can I change lives? Can I encourage and inspire?
I didn’t treat him any differently. I left a note in his bell ringer notebook to let him know that I had responded to his email and left it at that. I wanted to hug him. I wanted to apologize to him. I wanted to tell him high school is not everything. There is so much waiting for him beyond the walls of PCHS. The world is so big.
The book he read was Stephen Chbosky’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Two quotes that stand out for me are:
So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose wherever we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them...
AND
I walk around the school hallways and look at the people. I look at the teachers and wonder why they're here. If they like their jobs. Or us. And I wonder how smart they were when they were fifteen. Not in a mean way. In a curious way. It's like looking at all the students and wondering who's had their heart broken that day, and how they are able to cope with having three quizzes and a book report due on top of that. Or wondering who did the heart breaking. And wondering why.
I think he’ll be okay. I hope I will.
