I make choices every day. I decide if I am going to eat a healthy breakfast at home or
Chick-Fil-A's chicken, egg and cheese bagel. I decide am I going to wear pants that fit or those pants that are entirely too tight. Will I "sleep" through Sean waking up at 4:15 AM or will I get out of bed and tend to him? Some choices- those of the ethical/religious variety - are few and far between. Do I believe in Heaven? What happens to people who commit suicide? Does life begin at conception? I don't have to make those decisions every day, thank goodness.
Today I did have to make a choice, and I don't know if it was the right one; I guess I may never know. I love my son. I truly, 100 % believe that he is the most beautiful, most intelligent creature I have ever, or will ever know. He has the most beautiful curly blond hair, despite two botched haircuts. He has the bluest eyes (genetics be damned, it happened!) He is talking. Granted I may not know everything he says, but he is saying it. He will blow kisses and say "MUAH!" I love him.
But being a parent isn't always easy. In fact, it is hard as hell. Thankless. Sleepless. Exhausting. Aggravating. I don't know if I will ever be ready for another child, and I am resigned to that fact. At least once a day, I think to myself, "I am a crappy mother." I get frustrated when I shouldn't - he won't eat, he is fussing, he keeps dragging me around from room to room, he wants me to read "Wheels on the Bus" AGAIN! I resent nights when he decided to wake up at 4:15; doesn't he know I have to be up in an hour!? I miss being able to go out to dinner whenever I want to. I miss being able to read books and magazines for pleasure.
All that isn't to make me look like the most selfish person on the face of the earth; it's just to show that I am human. I love my son, but I don't know if I am willing to go through this again. My life has been turned completely upside down for the last 16 months, and I know it will never be the same. I am fine with that; I relish that. But I am not willing, at this point, to sacrifice anymore of my life to another human being.
It's a humbling job. So when I waked up to that pharmacy counter to purchase Plan B, the "postcoital pill", I swear my left ovary was aching. In 16 months we have not had a single slip, not one. Blame it on Cupid. Blame it on the new lingerie. Blame it on me, or him, or whatever. I had a decision to make. Chances are nothing would happen, but there is always a slim chance that something could develop out of this moment of carelessness. I couldn't help but remember the fact that Sean was conceived the FIRST time we tried. So I know, joyfully, that it only takes one time. Take a chance or make a choice. I chose to be pro-active, no matter how wrong or morally against the choice you may be.
Plan B is NOT an "abortion" pill. It prevents fertilization from occurring. In some eyes, that may not be a difference, but in my eyes it will have to be. I have so many reasons for not wanting another baby, especially right now- I'm not tenured; I am back in school to get my Masters; I'm tired. Maybe they are selfish. Maybe they are unfair. They are mine. Did I make the wrong choice? Am I a bad person? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Am I a baby-killer?
I hope not.
1 comment:
Don't worry, you aren't a baby killer. And you also aren't selfish. In fact, you're completely self-LESS to not bring another baby into the world that you couldn't be 100% dedicated to. Just look at Octupussy. She has 14 kids she will never be able to properly care for all because she "loves children" and wanted to surround herself with them. Those poor babies didn't ask to be in that situation and now look at all the hoopla they are having to deal with. Sorry, major tangent. I was poorly trying to draw a parallel. Anyway, don't worry. That's what that pill is there for and thankfully we have access to things should we need them.
Glad to hear you had a good Valentine's Day. :)
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